1 Blog (MmeMoirae)
Today I spent twenty dollars on produce – fruits, vegetables, a bag of mixed greens – and a couple things to help tide me over that weren’t on the spectrum of being processed, quick fixes, or, really, not so healthy options. I spent time this morning making a fruit salad to have at home and to take to work as part of my lunch – to help satiate the sweet tooth – and then enjoyed a rather big salad that I almost couldn’t finish. I even took the time to scramble a couple eggs for the salad and because I think, for the first time in my life, I recognized a protein need/craving.
Tonight Mlle. Lune and I will embark on the first of our daily walks. This is really good as I put my gym membership on hold this month – for finances and figuring out if it was worth it considering I simply haven’t been going. I’ve made excuse after excuse about not going, I’ve let fear take over and win. But… I won’t be doing this alone – the walking, eventually the gym, being out and active – and I think that’s going to help a lot.
As much as the memories of Washington are conflicting – a dose of good and bad – I was much more active there, especially in the beginning. I walked a lot, sometimes a few miles a day, once almost ten. I was down a few sizes, losing weight; I thought about finding a baseball league to join, and really, really wanted to see what I could with tennis as it turned out I was pretty good. I forgot how much I missed being active – being able to be active, not short of breath – somehow it got swept away under the constant fear of being seen, of being judged.
I’ve spent too much of my life worrying – sometime agonizingly so – what others are thinking of when they look at me, how they’re judging me, what that first or second impression. And I’ve been afraid … I’ve been afraid to be pretty, to be ugly, to be anything outside whatever mold anyone wanted to put me in. I know why I do, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to look back at the formative years of my life and know why, but…
I’m tired of it. And I’m ready to fight back against those fears.
I am the only person standing in my way. I am the only person who can decide how the rest of my life is going to play out. The only person stopping me from achieving what I want – to be healthy, active, to write for a living, to no longer be afraid of looking at myself in the mirror, to not be afraid to be around people I don’t know, to not be afraid of taking life by the hands and learning all I can – is me. I know I can’t solve all of these issues on my own, but I can start… and I can conquer a lot of them.
I can win this battle of fear and self doubt. I can win the fight of questioning whether or not I’m worth a life. It’s not going to be easy – I know this – but the best things in life never are.
So, today I got back onto the better eating kick (monthly pizza, however, still remains – you can take my pizza away from my dead, cold, battered body) and tonight I walk.